The YuGiOh Soccer Game
by animedeprived
Summary: Ever wonder what would happen if the cast of Yu-Gi-Oh got involved in organized sports? Well, it's not pretty. Panik is in a bubble. Marik is drunk. Mako is riding a giant snapping turtle. And, worst of all, TEA is announcing. Mass chaos ensues.
1. The chaos begins!

Please read my story! If you do, you get to go to the fanfic party. Send me a message so I can email you about when it is.

I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, though the small purple lizard in my friend's hair tries to tell me I do.

"Hey, it's Tea here! Look at me, I'm announcing! My friends are so nice, they're letting me do the commentary! Isn't that great? Now everyone can hear my nice, short friendship speeches! Friends, blah, blah, blah, take care, blah, blah, blah, help each other, blah, blah, blah..."

Three days later...

"Blah, blah, blah, FRIENDSHIP!! Oh, maybe I should tell you why we're here. This is the annual Yu-Gi-Oh soccer game. All my friends are playing in this great game and I'm sure we'll have fun together! Now the players!!! On the Tea's Best Friends team, we have Yami!" Yami runs onto the field. "Joey! Tristan!" Joey and Tristan run down opposite sides of the field, then down the center, body slamming with Yami in the center. "Mai Valentine!" Mai is riding a scooter at max speed, which is one and a half miles an hour. "Mako Tsunami!" Mako is riding a gigantic snapping turtle and is racing Mai. He's winning. "Seto and Mokuba Kaiba!" A helicopter lowers them onto the field. Yami spends the rest of the intros trying to fix his hair. "Aaannnddd!! Grandpa!!" Grandpa runs to his circle of teammates, beating both Mako and Mai there, but coughing and gasping for breath. He pulls out an inhaler.

"Now, on the Soon to be Tea's Best Friends team (if no one can tell, I made up the team names myself). Yami Bakura!" Yami Bakura runs onto the field, being pulled toward Yami's Millenium Puzzle by his Millenium Ring. "Rex Raptor!" Somehow, Rex has saddled a huge monitor lizard and is proudly seated upon it (O, the simple pleasures of the intellectually challenged) "Weevil Underwear! Wait a minute that's not right! OK, who was messing with my announcing cards?" Tristan and Joey are laughing as Weevil enters the field, sulking and glaring at the announcer's box. "The eliminator Panik!" Panik is encased in a large plastic bubble, to protect him from disgusting germs. "Maximillion Pegasus and Duke!" Pegasus is wearing a gold crown and long velvet cape. Duke is following him, holding the cape off the ground "The evil side of Kaiba!" Fat guy waddles out. "Aaannnddd!!! Marik!!!" No one comes out, so Tea tries again. "MARIK!!!!" Finally an extremely drunk and high Marik staggers onto the field.

The two teams come together to discuss some very important topics.

Joey speaks up "I speak for myself, Tristan, and Rex when I say, can you explain again why we're letting Tea do this? We don't understand."

"It's simple." Yami replies. "Tea agreed that if we let her do this ONE thing, and not try to kill her, she won't make any more friendship speeches for an entire year. In fact, she will not utter the dreaded F word during that time. So, we just have to bear it for a couple of hours, then it's 365 days of not having to listen to it."

"We're really going to have to watch Marik, then, aren't we?" Mokuba says.

Seto is standing next to Marik. He reaches out and taps Marik's forehead lightly with one finger. Marik begins to wobble dangerously and falls flat on his face. After a moment, he begins laughing hysterically and saying something about pretty colors.

Seto stares at Marik. "You don't need to worry about him, Mokuba. He can't even stand up."

Tea comes back on the loudspeaker. "Okay, everyone, it's time to begin! Let's all play fair and safe, now. Remember, we're all friends!"

All the players moan. "I don't think we're gonna make it!"

...to be continued

And you thought some of the stuff these guys went through before was trying! This is a great test of self-control and "I'm not listening, la, la, la" skills. Which is more important to them, the bet or their sanity? We'll find out whenever I decide to write some more. (Confidentially, I wouldn't wager on the bet)


	2. Bye, bye Marik!

Here's the second part of the Yu-Gi-Oh soccer game!

Mr. Glovey says that animedeprived does not own Yu-Gi-Oh, and also, don't stick your tongue into a revolving door. Pain could ensue.

"I'm back, everyone, and we're ready to start the game. Here comes our referee, Ishizu!" Ishizu places the ball in the center of the field, between Yami and Yami Bakura, then runs for the sidelines and blows her whistle.

"And they're off!" Tea yells. "Yami has possession of the ball and is running down the field toward the Soon to be Tea's Best Friends's goal."

Yami passes the ball to Mai, who is still on her scooter and still puttering along at one and a half miles an hour.

At the other end of the field, Pegasus points to Mai and says, "Duke, my boy, run down there and fetch the ball for me."

"Yes, Mr. Pegasus. Anything you say, Mr. Pegasus." Duke runs down the field, circles Mai, picks the ball up in both hands and carries it back to Pegasus.

"Terrific. Now, be a good boy and make a goal."

"Yes, Mr. Pegasus. Anything you say, Mr. Pegasus." Duke runs to the goal, still carrying the ball, and punts it.

Grandpa, the goalie, dashes across the goal, leaps into the air, and executes a perfect block...with his face. He shakes it off, grabs the ball, and kicks it back down the field to Mokuba.

"Come on, big brother." Mokuba says, passing the ball to Seto. "Kick it!"

"I will NOT!" Seto yells. "I refuse to participate in an event of such physical exertion. I'm a Duelist, not some stupid jock."

"Party pooper!" Mokuba yells, retaking the ball and sticking his tongue out at his older brother. He kicks the ball toward the other team's goal. When he's in range, Mokuba lifts his leg as far back as he can, ready to make the Ultimate Kick of all Time.

As Mokuba kicks the ball, Yami Bakura dashes in front of him, grabs the ball, and runs off. Mokuba cannot stop himself. The force of his swinging leg lifts him into the air and he lands on his back.

"Hey, ref!" Mokuba yells. "That's cheating! What game are you watching?"

"None." Ishizu says from her table on the sidelines. "I was only paid to put down the ball, blow my whistle, and throw players out, which is what I'll do to you if you don't leave me alone and let me drink my tea!" Ishizu picks her cup back up and continues to ignore the game. Mokuba sighs.

Marik, suffering from severe intoxication and overdose, was nearby, having hallucinations of pink elephants, aliens, and large multicolored spots. He was chasing one of the aliens, who was riding an elephant and covered in polka dots.

"Come back!" Marik yells, running toward the vision.

Mokuba is just getting up when Marik reaches him. Marik, who doesn't see Mokuba, trips over him and plants his face in the dirt. He lay still for a moment, then picks himself up and starts chasing the apparition again, this time heading for Ishizu. Mokuba stares at the foot deep imprint Marik's face has made in the ground.

Marik slams into Ishizu's table, sending her tea flying all ower the field. "Get the elephant!" He screechs.

Ishizu turns beet red and screams, "SECURITY!!!!!"

Ten men in black suits and sunglasses appear by Ishizu.

"Escort him out." Ishizu orders.

"You want we should beat him up?" The head gaurd asks.

"Yes."

The gaurds grab Marik, dragging him off the field and out of the stadium. In a few minutes, Marik's screams are heard as they pound him mercilessly.

...to be continued, again

Well, now we all know not to make Ishizu mad. I wonder who else will get hurt. (Not many, only, oh, just about everyone.) I'll be back later with more of the story.


	3. The only time Duke has ever been useful

animedeprived: spinning around in computer chair, hopped up on sugar WHEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Someone else do the disclaimer! I'm having too much fun!

Kenshin: Yes, dear. Animedeprived does not own Yu-Gi-Oh, but she does own my heart.

Tea switches on the microphone in the announcer's box. "Can you believe it's the third part of our story already? I didn't get to talk too much last time, so I thought I would take a few minutes and..."

"Oh, no!" Yami yells. "She's going to start another speech! Quick! Someone do something!"

Pegasus snaps his fingers and Duke appears at his side. "Go and take care of this little inconvenience for me. You know what to do."

"Yes, Mr. Pegasus. Anything you say, Mr. Pegasus." Duke is in the announcer's box in an instant. He drags Tea away from the microphone. The players and spectators hear the sounds of a struggle, and Tea screaming, "No, don't! You're supposed to be my frmmph!" as Duke gags her, then ties her hands and feet together. As an afterthought, he handcuffs her to the door.

"Will that be all, Mr. Pegasus?" Duke asks over the loudspeaker, yelling to be heard over the cheers of nearly 10,000 adoring fans.

"Yes, Duke. You may come down now."

"Where has the ball gone to?" Mako asks, kicking his turtle to get it going again.

"Umm, I have no clue." Yami Bakura says, trying to cover up the _**obvious** _bulge underneath his shirt and slowly sidling toward the goal.

"We have to find it." Rex exclaims. "This game'll be a dino disappointment if there's no ball to play with."

"Shut up, Raptor." Mai shouts. "Come on, everyone. Let's go find that ball. It has to be here somewhere."

"Stop tryin' t'boss us around." Joey yells, trying to lift Mako's turtle so he can look underneath.

Yami Bakura reaches the goal unnoticed because everyone is searching for the soccer ball that he so cleverly shoved under his shirt when no one was watching. Quickly, he pulls the ball out and throws it toward the goal.

Everything is suddenly moving in slow motion. Grandpa, at the other end of the field, sees the ball, and shouts, "NOOOOOOO!" He runs (slowly) toward the goal, arms outstreched.

...and running (slowly)

...still running (slowly)

...almost there. keep running (slowly)

...hold on

...wait

...and

now

...no...

now

...wait

wait for it

wait for it...

Grandpa reaches the other side of the field, somehow miraculously beating the ball (hey, it's my story). He leaps in front of it, gets hit in the stomach and falls, landing akwardly. Something cracks.

"Ooooohhh." Grandpa moans, clutching his side. "My hip! I broke my hip!"

Ishizu, not even glancing up from her magazine, blows her whistle and says, without much feeling, "Medic."

"Hup, hup, hup, hup." A pair of medics run onto the field, carrying a strecher. They load Grandpa on and leave the way they came, saying, "Hup, hup, hup, hup."

Seto begins to laugh. "I knew the old man would bite the dust one day soon. I'm only sorry I didn't do it."

"Shut up, Kaiba!" Yami, Joey, and Tristan shout.

"Why don't the three of you try to make me?"

"BOYS!" Mai yells. "You can settle your argument after the game. Right now, we need a new goalie."

"Mako, why don't you take over?" Mokuba asks.

"Of course." Mako spurs his turtle toward the goal.

Tristan yawns. "I think it's time for a twenty minute break. It will take that long for Mako to get to the goal."

Duke brings Pegasus a chair. Seto pulls a mini-laptop from his pants pocket, unfolds it, and begins to work. His evil side waddles off in search of a concession stand. Yami Yugi starts chasing Yami Bakura because Bakura has tried to take his Millenium Puzzle again. Panik pulls out a lighter and spends the time trying to get it to light. Everyone else (Rex, Weevil, Joey, and Tristan) heads up to the announcer's box to harass Tea while she's tied up.

...to be continued (still)

That's the end of part three. Hopefully, I can cram the rest of this story into two or three more parts because I'm getting tired of writing it. See you next time.


	4. This game just gets weirder and weirder

animedeprived: Yay! Part three! Let's see who gets the honor of doing the disclaimer this time! sticks hand into top hat and pulls out a rabbit O.O That wasn't supposed to happen. Oh, well. Do the disclaimer, Mr. Bunny Fluffy Face!

Rabbit: stares at camera, then bits animedeprived and dives back into the hat

animedeprived: Oh, #! First of all, that translates as "Animedeprived does not own Yu-Gi-Oh or, apparently, Mr. Bunny Fluffy Face. Second, I really hope that thing wasn't rabid. looks into hat. I don't think I'll ever be able to find it and know for sure. Third, if it was, I can always give my rabies to the girl who's stalking me so she'll leave my Kenshin alone.

"All right, everyone!" Ishizu yells. "It's been twenty minutes. Let's get going! It's Yami's team's ball."

Yami takes the ball from Ishizu and starts down the field. Yami Bakura, Rex, Duke, and Kaiba's evil side chase him. Bakura and Duke reach him first. Before they grab him, Yami throws the ball down to where Joey and Tristan are standing, yelling, "Catch!"

Duke and Bakura, now joined by Rex, tackle Yami, holding him down until Kaiba's evil side can drag his fat butt over. When he gets there, the other three let go and Tubby plops down on Yami's back.  
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yami screams as several very loud cracking noises are heard. "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!! Get off!!!"

Kaiba's evil side cackles. "I don't think so. It's payback time for banishing me to the Shadow Realm."

"I've got it, I've got it!" Joey yells as the ball speeds toward him.

"No, I'VE got it!" Tristan says, shoving Joey out of the way and catching the ball. He holds it high. "And another perfect play executed by Tristan Taylor!"

"I'll give you an execution!" Joey yells, jumping up and landing on Tristan's back. "I HAD that ball, you dummy! It's mine! Gimme!"

"I don't see your name on it!" Tristan lets the ball drop and begins punching Joey, who clocks him right back. Soon, they're rolling around in a cloud of dust, shouting insults.

Mai hurries (ha, ha) up the field on her scooter and snatches the ball up. Twenty feet from the goal, her scooter begin to sputter and shake violently.

"Put, put, puu....." With one last heave, Mai's scooter bites the dust.

"Darn it!" Mai yells, throwing the ball away and checking her transportation. "I knew I should have filled it up before I came! Stupid piece of junk!" Mai gets off and kicks one of the tires.

Mokuba grabs the soccer ball and runs for the goal, dodging Weevil, the goalie, and throwing it in.

"NOOOOOO!!!" Weevil yells. "Come to me, my minions!"

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" The sky goes dark as hundreds of thousands of insects come flying to Weevil. The bugs fly in front of the soccer ball, forming a large baseball glove. The ball is caught by the gigantic buzzing glove and flung back down the field.

"Yes!" Weevil cries as the insects land on him and proceed to crawl all over him.

All of the players and the spectators have stopped everything and are staring open-mouthed at Wevil. As the insects crawl through his hair and in his ears, the entire stadium shudders simultaneously, even Tea, whose power of friendship enables her to sense the feelings of people around her. (AAAAHHHHHH!!!!)

During this distraction, Yami somehow manages to use Kaiba's evil side's weight against him and throws the tub of lard off his back.

"Woo hoo!" Yami yells, running off.

In the silence, we can hear screams coming from outside the stadium. It seems that Ishizu's security gaurds are still beating the everloving crap out of Marik. Man, I'm lovin' this story.

"All right people!" Ishizu yells, breaking the quiet. "Let's keep this game going! I want to be home by three! And someone get that scooter of the field!"

"Nooooooo!" Mai screams, throwing herself across her scooter as a mini tow truck comes after it. "You can't take my scooter! It's MY scooter!!"

The repairman, with a little help from Rex, manages to peel Mai off, hook up her scooter, and tow it off the field.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mai screams, trying to reach her scooter. Rex is holding her back and enjoying himself SO much. When Mai realizes who is touching her, she punches Rex. Then Mai sees his lizard.

"Oh, Reex." Mai says sweetly. "Can I borrow your lizard for a teeny, tiny, itty, bitty bit?"

"No!" Rex shouts.

"Puhleez?" Mai pouts, using all her tricks. She makes puppy dog eyes at him and her bottom lip trembles.

"NO!" Rex repeats, shielding his lizard from Mai's view.

"Come on, Rex. I won't hurt him!"

...to be continued

I think we had better leave those two to settle their differences as only they can. I also think that you know who will come out on top. You'll find out for sure in the next and final part of the Yu-Gi-Oh soccer game!


	5. Do not read this chapter Tea talks A lot

animedeprived: hiding under computer desk The gnomes. They're coming! HIDE YOURSELVES!!!!!

Spider-Man: swings in and types animedeprived does not own Yu-Gi-Oh, or me, and she isn't exactly mentally stable, either. swings back out

WARNING: THIS PART OF THE STORY CONTAINS VOMIT INDUCING RAMBLINGS OF LOVE, FRIENDSHIP, AND HAPPINESS. THEREFORE, YOUNG CHILDREN, OLD GEEZERS, PREGNANT WOMEN, THOSE WITH WEAK STOMACHS, AND STALKERS SHOULD AVOID PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS EPISODE. CONSEQUENCES MAY PROVE TO BE FATAL.

We come back to see Mai now sitting on Rex's monitor lizard, looking superior to everyone else in the stadium. Rex is sitting on the ground nearby, looking dejected. Panik, inside his little bubble, has managed to start the lighter he's been messing with ever since the end of part three.

Suddenly, a shuffling is heard over the loudspeaker and Tea's voice is heard.

"Hey, everyone, guess what! I'm back! I finally wiggled out of those handcuffs and got the knots untied. Duke, they hurt! You're supposed to be my friend! Friends don't treat friends like that! We should be supporting one another in times of need and this is a really bad time for me! After today, I won't be able to make my speeches! Do you know how hard that will be? I don't see why you guys don't like my speeches! I'm just trying to teach you about the unity, love, caring, generousity, sincerity, truthfullness, creativity..."

"If she don't shut up soon, I'm gonna get creative on her-"

"Just tune it out, Joey." Yami tells him.

"But it's only been an hour!" Tristan complains. "Even with her being gagged for half of that, I still can't take it anymore!"

"Guys, I know it's hard, but we're halfway done. We can't give up now."

"Only halfway!?" The two exclaim. "Awwwwwww..."

Panik is waving his lighter around his head in triumph, and Tea rambles on.

"...pride, tolerance, faith, good humor, peace, helpfullness, gratitude..."

"I'd be grateful if someone would go up there an make her shut up!" Kaiba says.

"That's a good idea." Pegasus snaps his fingers. "Oh, Dukey-boy! Run up there and take care of Ms. Gardner for me."

"Yes, Mr. Pegasus. Anything you say, Mr. Pegasus."

Tea breaks off her pointless list for a moment to shout, "I HEARD that, Pegasus! For your information, you can't stop me. I locked the door. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Courage, integrity, ingenuity, sympathy, righteousness..."

"Somebody make her stop!" Weevil screeches, banging his head against the goal post.

The air inside Panik's bubble has turned a shade of light gray.

"TUNE IT OUT!" Yami bellows.

"That's it." Seto says. He pulls a walkie-talkie from his pocket. "I can't take this anymore. Attention, this is Seto Kaiba. I want a chopper here NOW to take my little brother and me home."

"Awww..." Mokuba whines. "I wanna stay and see what they do to Tea."

"No, Mokuba." Kaiba says, grabbing the rope ladder that descends onto the field. "We're going home." The two climb the ladder and take off.

Mako is holding his hands over his ears. His turtle listens to five seconds of Tea's speech, its eyes bug out, and it runs out of the stadium so fast it leaves its shell, with Mako still on top. Kaiba's evil side immediately crawls into the shell, cowering from the words of love and niceness coming from outside.

"I want to be everyone's best friend, so I can comfort them when they're sad, be happy for them and help them through their anger. I will support all my friends until the end..."

"Hey, now there's an idea." Yami Bakura says.

"We can't." Rex says. "There's no way in. She locked the door."

"Wait." Yami says. "I just got a killer idea. Come on, let's all go up there. I can get her out."

Yami trudges up the stairs, followed by everyone still on the field except Kaiba's evil side, who is still whimpering in the turtle shell, and Panik.

The inside of Panik's bubble is clouded with thick black smoke. We can't see him, but he is hacking away and the bubble begins to sway dangerously. Then it falls over. Panik has passed out from smoke inhalation.

"Hey, Tea!" Yami yells, pounding on the door to the announcer's box. "Come out here! We wanna talk to you."

"NO!" Tea shouts. "You'll hurt me, even though I don't know why. All I want to do is spread the joy of friendship to everyone."

"That's what I want you for!" Yami yells, nearly gagging on the words. "This is a friendship emergency! Marik's in trouble and needs a friend to help him out!"

"Then why don't YOU help him?" Tea asks suspiciously.

"Are you kidding? None of us are as good at the art of friendship as you, Tea." Now the rest of the players are picking up the act, but loathing every second of it. "You're the only one who can help Marik."

"Well, why didn't you say so?!" Tea exclaims. "Where is he?"

"Come outside and we'll show you."

"No, you'll hurt me."

"We won't, Tea, we swear, we'll only take you to Marik. Nothing more." Yami says. "I give you my word as Pharoh."

"Well, OK." Tea unlocks the door and steps out.

"GRAB HER!!!!" Yami Bakura yells. He, Joey, Rex, Tristan, and Duke all grab Tea.

"Now, hold on a second." Yami yells. "I gave my word as Pharoh. We are only to take her to Marik." Then he grins, leaning over the back of the stadium. "And Marik's down there."

"THROW TEA OFF THE STADIUM!!!!!!" The crowd yells. "THROW HER, THROW HER, THROW HER, THROW HER YEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!"

The boys heave Tea over the side of the stadium, then the entire group waves bye-bye as she falls, screaming, to the parking lot.

In the parking lot, Marik is STILL being beat up by the security gaurds. He has a bloody nose, busted lip, THREE black eyes (yes, three. don't ask me how it's possible), and a swollen face. As the gaurds are switching who gets to hold him and who gets to punch, they hear screaming coming from above. Tea falls from the top of the stadium and lands on Marik's head.

The gaurds see Tea and run away, screaming like little girls.

"Marik!" Tea exclaims. "Here you are!"

Marik looks up at her, and even through the drugs and beating, realizes that Tea is NOT a good thing.

"subsitute with word of choice" Marik exclaims. He jumps up and runs for his life, but Tea is right behind him.

"Wait, Marik! What's wrong? Yami said you were in trouble. You can tell me, I'm your friend. Don't run so fast, I'm sure we can work through this if you'll only talk about it..."

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, PHAROH!!!!!"

On top of the stadium, Mai sighs. "Those two were meant for each other."

And that's the end. I thought I told you not to read this chapter. CAN YOU AT LEAST **ACT** LIKE THE GNOMES ARE COMING!? I bet you didn't see that coming. Yami's very good at keeping promises, isn't he. He did say they would take Tea to Marik... it was just faster to throw her off the stadium. I hope those two have a nice life together, and I'm sure they will...as soon as Marik kills his remaining brain cells so he can't hear Tea's friendship speeches anymore. At his current rate, that shouldn't take too long.


End file.
